


Survivor Aftermath

by lasairfhiona



Category: Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-10-03
Updated: 2011-10-03
Packaged: 2017-10-24 07:03:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,975
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/260450
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lasairfhiona/pseuds/lasairfhiona
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In the Live Journal community, first-lines1000, I found the challenge to start a story with the line "[name] stands by the window, the tips of his fingers against the cold glass." And allowing for tense changes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Survivor Aftermath

Lee stood by the window, the tips of his fingers pressed against the cold glass. It never failed to amaze him how cold the herculite could get when they were deep in the ocean. The observation nose was the only place he could think of to come. Jamie has kicked him out of the sickbay once his own injuries had been tended too. Even though he'd been ordered back to his cabin to rest, he found the small space too confining, too empty and he'd found his attempt to sleep had been met with unwelcome images. He couldn't go to Harry's cabin and rest. It would cause too many questions with the Admiral in sickbay. So here is where he ended up. Standing in front of the herculite windows watching the water glide past as they cut through it. The din of the control room above could be heard and made him not feel so alone even though it did nothing for the knot of worry in the pit of his stomach.

They were headed at full speed toward Pearl Harbor. Harry was to be transferred to Tripler Army Medical Centers as soon as they made port so he could undergo surgery to remove a bullet still lodged in his body. Jamie had removed one of the bullets from Harry's shoulder and another from Harry's leg, but he hadn't wanted to remove the last one because of it's proximity to his heart. It needed more equipment and more staff than what Seaview could offer.

Lee cringed when he thought of Harry laying there so close to death. He could still see the general from the People's Republic Army standing there with a gun pointed at Harry. The shots still rang in his ears. Every time he tried to close his eyes all he could see was the bloom of red spreading across Harry's chest and shoulder.

"Lee…"

Lee turned when he heard his name called. He saw Chip standing at the bottom of the spiral steps. He simply nodded to his friend then turned back to the window.

"You need to rest," Chip said coming up to stand next to Lee.

"I can't sleep," Lee explained. "I keep…" He started to admit but stopped. He didn't need to worry chip any more than the XO was already worried.

"Have Jamie give you something," Chip suggested. He was worried about Lee. He knew his friend would try to remain on his feet if for no other reason than to show the crew they still had him even though the Admiral was in critical condition.

"I can't. What if the Admiral needs something?" Lee tried to argue.

"You aren't going to do the Admiral or the crew any good if you collapse," Chip pointed out waylaying Lee's next argument about the crew needing him.

"I…" Lee was ready to argue but he knew Chip was right. He knew he needed to rest. Harry, and the crew, needed him to be strong. Seaview needed her captain. "Okay," he conceded.

Chip sighed in relief. He hadn't expected Lee to give in that easy. Armed with the sedative from Jamie, Chip escorted Lee back to his cabin and waited while his friend took the pills and settled into his bunk. "Sleep well, Lee. We should be pulling into Pearl in the morning," he informed Lee.

Lee nodded, knowing once they hit Pearl Harbor there would be a frenzy of activity to get Harry off Seaview and transferred to Tripler. He had every intention of going with his lover. Seaview had been in Chip's capable hands and would come to no harm if left there a little longer.

Afraid to close his eyes, Lee tried to imagine Harry. He tried to picture the more memorable moments. He remembered the first time they met on Nautilus and he catalogued the times as an Ensign and Lieutenant Jg, he got to spend with his Captain. His first glimpse of Harry on Seaview was as clear to him as if it happened yesterday. Remembering the night they declared their feelings for one another made him smile but clenched his heart as well. He was afraid he'd lose Harry.

Lee tried to picture the times they spent together at the penthouse or the beach house. He wanted to make himself remember every quiet moment at home and the nights they spent together in each other's arms.

A knocking a the door startled him. He was so involved in his dream of loving Harry and feeling those strong blunt hands on his body that he'd forgotten where he was. "Come," he called out shaking off the fog of sleep. He hadn't even realized he'd fallen asleep and put it down to Jamie's magic pills.

Scrambling out of bed when he saw Chip walking in, Lee groaned when he twisted the wrong way. He'd forgotten about the injury to his ribs.

"We're thirty minutes out of Pearl. I thought you'd want to be ready to go with Jamie and the Admiral when we docked," Chip said ignoring Lee's show of pain at his injury. Hs friend was not one to admit weakness.

"Thanks, Chip."

Morton nodded and left Lee alone to finish getting dressed.

Once the door closed behind Chip, Lee started to pull on his uniform, ignoring the twinges of pain. There was no way he wouldn't be ready to leave when they took Harry. There was so much as risk in these next several hours. He had to remain positive that Harry would survive the surgery. There was no world he could imagine without Harriman Nelson in it and no life he could make for himself without Harry a part of it.

+++++

Harry's body felt abused, skin bruised, muscled ached. He sat on the chair on the porch of his beach house and watched the sun set while he waited for Lee to return from NIMR. His lover had taken over the reins of leading the institute like a duck to water and spent almost as much time as he had in the office taking care of business.

Every time he moved he was reminded of the injuries he'd learned had almost cost him his life. When he awoke in the hospital and saw the lines in Lee's face and the amount of weight his lover had lost he knew this time his injuries had been worse than they ever had before. The last thing he remembered before that moment was pleading for Lee's life as his lover lay in a beaten heap nearby.

It took Chip telling him about Lee's injuries, the shooting, and the rush to Pearl Harbor to save his life. Lee hadn't been able to too, he'd tried, but the words had stuck and Chip had taken over for him.

Now he was home, on leave for an undetermined amount of time, while he recovered and went to therapy to strengthen his leg. Lee had spent every moment with him until he was able to do for himself, then he'd gone back to work.

He'd tried his best to take the fear he still saw in Lee's eyes away and often he felt he'd succeeded until the nights Lee would wake screaming in the middle of the night. He'd try to hold Lee to comfort him but Lee would pull away, resisting his embrace. As a result they would often spend the night talking about mundane things as Lee avoided the subject of his nightmare. That was if they even talked. More often than not Lee would try to encourage him to go back to bed. When he refused, wanting to stay with Lee, they would end up sitting watching the moon on the water. He'd tried to go with Lee for a walk on the beach but his lover had turned around and sat on the porch. Now Lee wouldn't even try to go, knowing Harry would follow.

Harry was at a loss as to what to do to help Lee move beyond what had happened to them, to him. Even as he healed and became stronger, Lee was still reluctant to do anything that would tax him. Lee was focused only on what his injuries had been and not how he was healing. He kept his distance refusing to join him in the hot tub with him as he relaxed after his therapy. Lee even went as far as declining to share a shower with him, something which they often indulged in as a way to maintain intimacy when they were busy.

He missed Lee. He missed holding him and feeling their bodies pressed together. There was nothing more he wanted than to make love to Lee, especially now after Jamie had cleared him for sexual relations as long as he felt up to it. Regardless of the twinges of pain he still felt, Harry was definitely up to making love to Lee. He wanted to run his hands along Lee's golden body and feel his cock buried inside him.

He'd hinted to Lee about being more intimate. He'd even tried to talk Lee into a cuddle by the fire one night to no avail. Lee had maintained his distance. The only thing they did was share a bed and most of the time Harry felt like he was sharing his bed with a stranger. Was Lee repulsed by his scared body? Or did Lee no longer love him and only stayed out of duty and pity?

Harry didn't have the answer to the questions and knew he wouldn't until he could persuade Lee to talk to him.

++

'It shouldn't be this hard,' Lee thought as he walked up to the beach house. Loving Harry had always been easy. But that was before. Now he stayed long hours at NIMR and avoided intimate contact with the man he called his lover.

Instead of going inside, he sat on one of the rockers on the porch and looked out over the dark ocean and the moon's silver path across it. It was late and he hoped Harry would be asleep. He was stalling and he knew it but he couldn't face Harry. Not right now. Not after the conversation he just had with Jamie.

Seaview's doctor gave him the latest report on Harry's conditions, something which he periodically did. Jamie left nothing out of the report, including the fact he'd cleared Harry for sexual relations the week before as long as Harry felt up to it. Lee knew Harry was feeling up to it. Jamie's revelation wasn't a surprise. Harry had been dropping hints that he was ready and wanting more. It was obvious his lover was healing and becoming his old self again as everyday passed. There was only one thing that concerned Jamie and that was what the doctor had tried to talk to him about tonight. Perceptive as ever, Jamie had seen things weren't right between him and Harry. No matter how much Jamie tried to get him to talk about what he was feeling any more than he'd been able to talk to Chip when his friend had tried to talk to him.

It wasn't that he hadn't wanted to talk to Harry, he just couldn't. Every time he saw Harry hesitate from a stab of pain, his heart clenched. He blamed himself for Harry's condition. If it hadn't been for him, Harry wouldn't have been hurt. If he hadn't been captured, Harry wouldn't have had to come and rescue him and he wouldn't have come face to face with General Cho and been shot for trying to save him.

Because of the trauma, Harry hadn't been able to remember all the details of what led up to his shooting. A fact for which Lee was grateful even though he lived with the fear Harry would remember and hate him for it. He couldn't fathom how Harry could possibly be able to forgive him for almost getting him killed, especially when he hadn't been able to forgive himself. That was why he kept his distance from Harry when all he really wanted to do was hold him and love him. He couldn't let himself feel the love they shared and then risk losing it when Harry remembered.

He was so caught up in his thoughts he hadn't heard the door open. Harry's hand on his shoulder and quiet "Lee" startled him. He looked up into his lover's concerned expression and watched as Harry circled around and stood in front of him, leaning on the porch railing.

"You should be sleeping," Lee said, ignoring his desire when he noticed Harry's sleep tousled hair and rumpled pajamas.

"I heard your car and I was waiting for you."

"I just wanted to unwind a bit so I stayed out here to avoid waking you. I'm sorry," Lee explained, hoping his explanation covered the fact he was avoiding coming to bed.

"Problems?"

"No, just busy work then Chip and I went to dinner and I got to hear about his new girlfriend," he explained.

"Really? Funny, Chip didn't mention a girlfriend when he stopped by to visit tonight. He, however, did say you were meeting with Jamie tonight."

He'd been caught in a lie. From the flash he saw in Harry's eyes, he knew he was about to have a conversation with Harry that he wasn't sure he wanted to have.

"What else have you been lying about, Lad?"

Lee shook his head. He couldn't even get angry at Harry questioning him. "Nothing, Harry. I didn't want you to think I was checking up on you with Jamie," he answered knowing whet he'd said was mostly the truth.

"Hmmm… Okay."

Thinking he'd been let off the hook, he relaxed. He didn't know how wrong he was. Harry was just getting started.

"You have been lying to me about one thing however."

"Harry?" Lee said trying to protest, wondering where Harry was going.

"You've been lying to me about your feelings."

Lee sighed and slumped in the chair. *This* was the conversation he dreaded having. The one he'd been trying to avoid since Harry had come home from the hospital. He didn't know how he was going to get through it without hurting Harry or himself. "Harry… I… No…" he stuttered.

"Do you still love me?"

He was surprised by the bluntness of Harry's question. It was the last thing he ever expected his lover to ask. "Yes, Harry. Very much," he answered softly.

"Do you still *want* me?"

After the first question, Lee expected this one. "Yes, Harry. I do," he answered then waited for the one that he knew would come next.

"Then why?"

Lee knew what Harry was asking even though the question was left unfinished. Harry had already swallowed his pride to ask what he had. "Your injuries. I didn't want to cause you anymore pain," he answered honestly but only giving half the reason.

"They aren't so bad now, Lad, and I'm sure Jamie has told you I've been cleared."

Nodding, Lee answered, "I know."

"Then why?"

He couldn't avoid answering, he knew that but how to answer it was the question. "I don't know," he finally said weakly, knowing it wasn't even close to the answer Harry wanted.

"You can't blame yourself forever."

So surprised by Harry's comment, Lee just stuttered, "What? How?"

"I had a very enlightening conversation with Chip."

He wanted to leave, get away from their conversation but Harry stood directly in front of him with a look that barred escape or refusal. "What did Chip tell you?" he asked wondering how perceptive Chip had been.

"He told me that he thought you blamed yourself for my being shot. That if you hadn't been captured I would have never left Seaview."

Harry paused and Lee waited for him to continue.

"I'd wondered if that wasn't the case but hearing it from Chip confirmed my own suspicions."

Lee hung his head. He couldn't answer. He didn't know what to say. What could he say? He just sat there, waiting for the condemnation. What he didn't expect was Harry to kneel in front of him and run his thick hand, with it's blunt fingers up his thigh. Nor did he expect to hear what Harry said next.

"It’s not your fault, Lee. I'd have gone a shore for Chip or any number of others. I don't blame you. I never did. I never will."

Lee looked up and straight into Harry's eyes. The condemnation he expected wasn't there. Only love. "How long have you known?" he asked, wondering when Harry had remembered "why" he'd been shot.

"I've always known. It was only the time after I was shot that is sketchy."

"I thought… I didn't know… So much time wasted…" he muttered more to himself than to Harry.

Lee didn't resist when Harry stood and pulled him to his feet nor did he resist when Harry pulled him into and embrace. It felt too good to once again be wrapped in Harry's arms and to feel his body pressed against him.

"Talk to me Lee, just talk to me and we can work through anything."

More then anything, Lee wanted to believe Harry. He wanted to feel the love and security he'd always felt in Harry's arms once again. "Okay, Harry," he agreed knowing he'd agree to anything as long as Harry held him and didn't blame him. He knew it made him seem like he was weak but the love he shared with Harry mattered so much more.

"Let's go to bed and let me hold you. It will make us feel better."

Lee nodded. Harry was right. It would make him feel better to be in Harry's arms again and once there they, or he, could begin to forgive himself.

The End


End file.
